brink

I feel like right now I’m just treading the line, in the aspect of living my life with God.

Some days I’m praying constantly to God, listening to Him and just doing what I think His will is, loving His people the way I think He wants me to. Some days not so much, some days I even have the audacity to feel/assume that I can live without God for that couple of hours.

I forget that God’s the reason for my existence at all.

It seems like I’m on the edge of something. I see the glory of God waiting for me to receive it. Somehow I’m peering over the edge, staring into that fullness of His majesty that’s to be revealed, eyes glistening like those of a kid staring through the glass display of a candy store.

 

I don’t quite know how to get there. I don’t know if it’s my time to fall over the edge. Am I to be nudged over the edge, or am I to jump off? I don’t know how to get there.

 

But till that time comes when the next step is revealed to me, I shall cry out:

You can have it all, Lord
Every part of my world
Take this life and breathe on
This heart that is now YoursOh the joy I’ve found
Surrendering my crowns
At the feet of the King
Who surrendered everything

Oh the peace that comes
When I’m broken and undone
By Your unfailing grace
I can lift my voice and say

You can have it all, Lord
Every part of my world
Take this life and breathe on
This heart that is now Yours

There is no greater call
Than giving You my all
I lay it all down
I lay it all down

There is no greater love
No higher name above
I lay it all down
I lay it all down

You can have it all, Lord
Every part of my world
Take this life and breathe on
This heart that is now Yours

-Have It All (Bethel Music)

Father. Abba Father. I need to need You more than ever before. I know that I’m only on the edge of that fullness of the Spirit You have intended for me to receive, so Father I’m crying out with all my heart ‘more Lord, more!’

This much, O Lord, I want You. Ignite my heart with Your passion once again. I’m pressing on with Your faith to receive that greater measure which You have promised unto Your sons and daughters.

May the name of the Lord be praised forever. I love You Lord, Abba. My Father and my friend. 

Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.
Worship the Lord with gladness;
come before him with joyful songs.

Know that the Lord is God.
It is he who made us, and we are his;
we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving
and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.

For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Psalm 100
A psalm of giving thanks
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“Don’t be so naive.”

“Don’t be so naive.”

may these words bring glory to my one and only true King.

 

Finally back on this space, after a long while.

Honestly, I’ve been putting off writing another post because I’ve been afraid of not being able to meet possible expectations after the compliments I’ve received from the numerous random friends who’ve visited my thought space.

 

But ~whatever~.

 

Today’s topic goes back to a revelation given by God a few months back.

 

I was out for a run in the evening, and somehow I found myself telling God to just lead me wherever.

“Anywhere Lord, tell me where to run and I will run!”

Alright, run through that path where the lights are dim.

First reply that came to mind: oh sh*t.

 

I don’t think I’ve told most of my friends about this, but one of the fears I had, or rather the only fear I held on to since God set me free in His love, was the fear of the evil in mankind’s hearts. Yes, it sounds strange, but somehow I’ve always feared the possible evil that could come out through man’s actions. The many news articles and tv shows about people killing, raping, torturing friends and strangers alike don’t help much either.

 

So you can only imagine the amount of regret that came up when I heard His reply.

Nonetheless, I decided to trust that voice, and down that deserted path I went, feet and heart pounding, mentally clinging to heavenly Papa for protection.

 

5 minutes down, I cleared the path, and God spoke to me in His soft, gentle voice.

Who hardened Pharaoh and his officials hearts’ so that my glory could be fully displayed to all of Israel?

I was reading Exodus at that time and knew fully about God’s hand in freeing His people from the Egyptians, so the answer was like duh, “You, God.”

Who softened your heart, and the hearts of the many around you, to receive my love?

“Obviously You, my God.”

 

So, why do you still doubt about my control over the hearts of man?

 

My mind was instantly blown. Repentance for my doubt flooded in, but joy from that revelation came immediately after. My heart felt lighter than ever, that fear having been lifted. I continued my run with such freedom that I had this silly smile plastered across my face, the people around my neighbourhood must have thought me to be bonkers.

My Daddy God has all the control. He does. He fiercely loves, He protects, He is in charge. Over everything. Everything.

“for his dominion is an everlasting dominion, and his kingdom endures from generation to generation; all the inhabitants of the earth are accounted as nothing, and he does according to his will among the host of heaven and among the inhabitants of the earth; and none can stay his hand or say to him, “What have you done?” – Daniel 4:35 ESV

Wide eyed, mystified, may we be just like a child. Staring at the beauty of our King. May we never lose our wonder.

 


 

Fast forward to this week, doubt has been slapping me like a wet fish(?). Point is, it’s real and it’s gross.

I’ve been struggling with the notion of being seen as naive in the way I trust God for His protection. I guess some part of it has to do with growing up with overprotective parents who’d always tell me not to trust others too much, to not be too “naive”. Not to put any blame on them though, it’s just the way they see the world.

We see so much going on, so much evil, injustice, bad news everywhere (Trump just trumped primary elections?!) It’s not hard to doubt, to lose sight of hope or to lack the faith in trusting for the impossible. Doubt seems inevitable. It almost seems like a social norm, to accept that things are bad simply because. We are surprised when we see glimpses of humanity. We somehow cling on to the prospect of ill news to stay guarded with our expectations of impending doom. Protected, safe. Always knowing, always guessing, so that we won’t be thrown off guard when things go sour, when others let us down.

I’ve been floating back and forth between trusting God completely in His control over the hearts of all man and living beings, and trusting in my carnal self-protecting nature, doubting the intents of the people around me, shying away from things that have even the slightest possibility of causing harm to me. It’s almost like I’m trying to decide whether or not to bubble wrap myself and let myself waste away in that safety, or to throw off that bubble wrap and be used for the purpose to which I’ve been created.

this-pug-in-bubble-wrap-will-alter-your-universe-1-32608-1380919530-28_big.jpg

Like this pug. He’s safe from things that may be thrown at him, yes, but now he can’t live out the fullness of being a pug.

And there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be safe, to protect ourselves. But there is one who cares for us way more than we ever could for ourselves, who can protect us better than any preventive measure we can ever set in place in our own lives. The best part is, He has control over everything! I’ll say it again, everything. 

“Put your ear to the earth—learn the basics.
    Listen—the fish in the ocean will tell you their stories.
Isn’t it clear that they all know and agree
    that God is sovereign, that he holds all things in his hand—
Every living soul, yes,
    every breathing creature?
Isn’t this all just common sense,
    as common as the sense of taste?” – John 12:10-12

I’m not saying that we now get to run headlong into reckless decisions or be careless with the way we live because we are protected by Him.

What I’m saying is that this trust that’s placed in Him will give us the freedom to explore areas that might scare us. We have the confidence to enter into places beyond our comfort zone, to be vulnerable enough to love the people around us deeply, to make mistakes. We have the freedom and confidence to go on adventures for Him, with Him, to bring His perfect love into places where fear may currently reside. We get to do all these things in boldness, in the confidence that comes when we place our trust in God. We get to go beyond our fears.

C.S Lewis puts the illustration across perfectly –

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

Through our unwavering, uncircumstantial trust in His love, peace is also granted. Peace, not one that is based on the atmosphere of our surroundings, but peace that comes from knowing our almighty Father who loves us is in control. And when we rest in that trust, we are able to project that peace within us out to the situations around us.

“I am the Lord, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?” – Jeremiah 32:27 NIV

/closing thoughts: I wonder if the disciples thought Jesus to be naive to be sleeping in the middle of the raging storm.

God, I don’t care if i seem naive anymore.

I just want to trust you completely, not blindly, but I now submit every aspect of my life into your truth.

Let me see this earth, this life through your eyes. Help me to see the beauty of eternity that you have set in the hearts of your people.

I pray to be equipped with a greater measure of faith, to believe in the seemingly impossible and to trust not in the things that are set right before me. I choose to fix my eyes on Jesus.

You are unwavering in your love for me. I will trust in you to call forth light from darkness.

As full as can be.

As full as can be.

It’s been (x) number of days since I ended my fast, I’m honestly too lazy to keep track because it doesn’t quite matter.

What (I think) matters is what most people might have in mind about eating – post fast.

I honestly thought I would have no stomach space to eat much post fast, but I guess I still had one more issue in my life to deal with: My past with anorexia.

But now doesn’t seem to be the right time to talk about that, so I shall hold that post close for a rainy day.

 

All I have to say for now, or wanted to post about, is how much my Jesus has been blessing me. All of my favourite foods he has somehow supplied to me, most of them I’ve partaken in without spending a cent- Pizza and beer parties, Indomie, salads, soup, tausarpiahs all lined up in a row, Haagen Dazs chillin’ in my freezer, falafels, stroopwafels from Amsterdam, pops cooking my favourite Dhal etc.

Well these foods aren’t actually all my favourites, nor are they things that I crave for constantly. But somehow knowing that all of the foods that I’ve been eating have been a blessing from my mighty God, makes me really content and happy with whatever I have in front of me.

 

God knows my tummy. God knows my wallet. God knows my heart.

I am so happy, and graced. Hue. Huehue.

 

(loveloveydove)

Fast Forward

( God I don’t quite know how to start this blog post. I submit my fingers to you – may they prance on this feeble keyboard to bring life to my limited words so that you may have the utmost glory )


This is only my second (or third if you count the introduction to my blog) blogpost, and it’s gonna be a really hard one for me to write. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 NIV

Phew. Here goes.

It’s been 41 days since the 16th of January. Nothing much significant about that date, no special occasion whatsoever, t’was a simple Saturday after the powerful Kingdom Invasion conference 2016. 41 days since that humble day where my friend, Beatrix, and I decided with fully convicted hearts that there was more to earth than whatever we were currently facing and dealing with. 41 days since we decided that we were so done with our fragile lives and limited hearts. 41 days since the fast begin. 

Yes, some of you may be thinking, “WOW. 40 days fast. Can die sia. You girls are amazing, strong and convicted for God, respect for you (yada yada)”. Yet some of you may also be thinking, “Didn’t the bible said to not let others know about your fastings so that your treasures will be in heaven and not found here on earth, in the hearts of man?”

To clarify those thoughts, no, I am not a superhuman. It is the complete grace of God that brought me through this entire period. Fasting for 40 days will not kill a normal human being, but do note that those with certain medical conditions do need to take extra precautions before going on certain fasts. Fasting and praying is DEFINITELY (and I can’t even emphasize this further) a part of a normal Christian life, and although sometimes people do get specific convictions to go onto fasts, it can sometimes be taken upon as a way to intensify your hunger and longing for God and the food of Heaven. Click here for a really good book I read that enlightened me significantly about fasting and praying.

Secondly, I was texting my pal Jade in the morning of the 40th day and she asked me if I was going to blog about it. Honestly I wasn’t considering blogging about it because I wanted to keep this fast between my Father God and I. But a series of events happened throughout the day and I decided that I had to share my experience with you f0lks. So it begins. 

(Side note: This post isn’t particularly about my entire fast, but if you’re interested in what the whole experience of a 40 day fast is like and you’re being a bum or just don’t feel like googling and reading an internet stranger’s opinions about it, you can check out my pal Beatrix’s post about it – Jesus syncs our hearts and minds and stomachs so much (we both had gastric problems for ages even before going into the fast!) that our experiences were similar, if not almost identical throughout this entire journey.)

Throughout this entire fast, there has been trials, temptations, even days where we’ve broken the fast on terms of God’s grace (instances like Chinese New Year, where we had to eat during reunion dinners and gatherings in order not to cause tensions or worries to arise amongst our relatives). Those moments were totally understandable, we talked to Jesus about it, we ate with joyful hearts and the peace of the Spirit that came in the knowledge of knowing that Jesus didn’t love us any less when we broke the fast for the sake of keeping peace amongst our families.

39 days flashed past, though each hour in every day that we were in seemed to trickle away as slowly as the rates that we sipped on our fruit juices and waters.

Then came the last day.

Most of you may not know this, but I’m currently working part-time in an events company. On this particular last day of the fast, I was situated in a really ~fancy~ event where I knew there would probably be posh foods available for us to snack on as we slack take breaks during work. The day started really early, God woke me up at 5am. I prayed, submitting the day to Him. But deep down in my spirit I knew that I was so tempted by the choice morsels that would be available at the event. The lust for food is real.

On most days, I’d start with a glass of fruit juice to provide me the adequate energy to function throughout the day. But on that day, somehow, I decided against the fruit juice. And I decided to hold on to the hope that food would be offered to me so that I would be able to say that I broke the fast because I didn’t have a choice and had to eat the food cos it was offered to me and blah. Bam. First step out of line. (You know those days where you save stomach space because you know that you’d be going to a buffet later on in the day? That was what I was doing.)

Begin work as usual, but well not really as usual because I was definitely not fixing my eyes on Jesus that day. Then came the million dollar question.

“Have you guys eaten? There’s food in the room, help yourselves.”

I can’t lie- I got pretty excited.

Headed straight to the room, ‘checked it out’, “mm not bad, there’s a rest area and all, and oh look food. I reached out without a hint of conscience in the Holy Spirit.

“Thank You Jesus for this deliciousness. Food is a gift. Amen.” + 🙂

And a voice in my heart said, “No. This is not for you.”

“Hmm, a voice telling me not to eat. Must not be God. Food must be good, after all, it is a gift. Thanks God!”

A couple minutes of clearly disobedient indulgence went by, and when I decided I was done with stuffing my face, I headed back to my colleague and squealed over how exquisite the food was, in a valiant effort to push the call to repentance aside.

Lunch time came, and another session of blatant ignorance of the Holy Spirit went by. Still no attrition in my stubborn self. The event passed by and away I went, tummy bursting and smile frozen on my face to mask my remorseless heart.

My stomach was so full from choice food, but my spirit was… just not right. Something was amiss (clearly).


With all distractions and temptations gone, I felt so empty. And I had to face the truth.

I had disobeyed the voice of God.

“Why do you call me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and not do what I tell you?” Luke 6:46 ESV

That knowledge broke me. At that moment I knew that every moment I was scarfing my food, that every moment that I was seeking satisfaction from the food that was around me and that every moment that I had kept my eyes off Jesus, His heart was breaking for me. I had broken my Father’s heart, and all this time He was out there, rooting for me, satisfying my every need and hunger, and I had failed. God wasn’t angry at me, He wasn’t harsh, His love for me didn’t change. But I knew that I had disappointed Him by going against Him – I felt like Eve.

To make matters worse, I chose unrepentance as a follow up to that disobedience.

If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 1 John 1:8 ESV

God was there at my point of disobedience, and my agonizing response to His patient nudges at my heart to turn my eyes back to Him was a silent but deafening “not now, God”. I had allowed the devil to gain a foothold in my heart, to harden it towards His whisper. I practically had an affair with disobedience in front of God, then refused to even turn to Him.

To do that to the One who has nothing but love for you, it’s beyond cruel.

My heart was rent with the weight of this painful truth, and I broke down in tears under the weight of my sin. I cried out to God, my soul contrite.

“God, I’m sorry! Forgive me, for I have sinned and even became unrepentant for my sin. Punish me if you choose to, I know you are a just God. But one punishment I ask that you’ll never inflict upon me – never take your presence from me, without it I don’t know how to live. I accept any penalty apart from that, God! Holy Spirit strike my heart with repentance, that I would be filled with godly grief for my sins.”

-Pause-

Again I compose myself into a position fit for surrender to God, bowing low to my Jesus, allowing myself to be arrested with the guilt of my sin. I cry out the same prayer once again, but this time a tide of grace rushes into me and amidst my pleas slight hiccups of laughter bubble out. Waves after waves of joy flood into my heart as the spirit of His grace blanket over me.

-Another pause, and slight confusion at my current state-

“God I don’t to be laughing, punish me! I have sinned. I want to grieve, I want to be torn apart and broken and be overcome by sorrow. Punish me, but take not your presence from me. “

And this time the reply I got was,

“Why are you still crying, my child? My son’s blood has covered and washed you- you are now whiter than snow.”

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9 NIV

His grace is CRAZY.

I’m overtaken by His grace. His tender mercy.

My soul is now filled with rhythms and pulses of joy from the depths of realisation that His grace truly covers it all.

Every breath that I have seems to be another opportunity for my refreshed spirit to say “Thank you Jesus.”

Oh what love! What grace! That He would save a wretch like me.

He is our beautiful, beautiful God. My simple words will never be able to verbalise the depths of His character, the wonder of His mercy, the vastness of His love.

“My heart extols the Lord, blesses His name forever, He has won my heart, captured my mind, and has bound them both together. He has defeated me in my rebellion, conquered me in my sin, He has welcomed me into His presence, completely invited me in. He has made Himself the object of my sight- flooding me with mercies in the morning, drowning me with grace in the night. But if there are words for Him then, I don’t have them. 

But what I do have is good news. For my God knew that man made words would never do. For words are just tools that we use to point to the truth. So He sent His son Jesus Christ as The Word, living proof.” – Kari Jobe (Forever)

Only God’s grace enables us to fall forward into His loving arms.

Hope has a name.

Love has a name.

Peace has a name.

Grace has a name.

That name is Jesus Christ. Praise be to that name forever.

Thank you my Jesus.

Thanksgivings in February

Thanksgivings in February

“Life.”

I hear that word coming out of the mouths of people more often than not, as a sigh.

“ah.. Life.” “Life is so hard.” “Why isn’t life working out like I want it to be?”

 

While praying, worshipping and meditating with a beloved pal yesterday, I came to two major conclusions that I figured could change our perspectives towards life and all it’s gimmicks.

1: Gratitude is the key to joy

2: We always have had and always will have more than we ever need.

 

Seriously, think about it.

Living in this clean, green, safe Lion City is a privilege. Beyond anything.

I look into world news and I see countries going at each other’s political throats. Bombings and death scares everywhere. North Korea is still under some weird “democratic” rule. Africa going through the worst El Nino they’ve ever had for the past 3 decades, leaving an estimated of 14 million starving people.

I mean, come on. What have we not to be grateful for?

I just had a warm shower (even with soap), I just brushed my teeth with this piece of synthetic rubber and plastic with bristles on it, I even had time to check out my reflection and complexion on this shiny surface we call a mirror. I wonder if most people in the rural areas of the world even get a chance to see what they look like, to see the beauty of the likeness that they were created in.

I get a chance to walk out into my dining room, check out the wide array of red-capped plastic containers filled with a mouth watering selection of Chinese New Year goodies. I get to open my fridge up (oh our precious fridges) just out of sheer curiosity and some strange form of satisfaction, to see the mounds of fruits and vegetables and various snacks we store away for the “rainy day” that never seems to come, because we always have more than enough food. And even if we do run out of food in the refrigerator, we get to run out of our house and purchase food from vendors just 10 minutes away. Either that, or we can be really lazy and have people send food to our very door, while we continue to sit and ponder about “life”.

I look all around me and all I see are blessings. The very bare minimal standard of living, He has got me covered. A perfectly functional body (do you even know how blessed you are to be a normal person?!), a roof over my head, safe drinking water, fresh food, cutlery, a bed+room, proper toilet sanitation, wood tiled floors, education, glasses to help me see, a laptop and even internet (God bless the internet). We are so immeasurably blessed! Don’t you see?

We only become dissatisfied when we count the things we don’t have. And that is so easy to do. Pity parties are “fun” for most of us, in a really odd and sad way. We sigh about not being able to satisfy our expensive and insatiable appetite. Whine about not having enough money to see the world, to do whatever on earth we want to. Mull about how we seem to always be alone though the contact list on your smartphone is screaming out that it clearly isn’t so. (Though there’s nothing wrong with feeling alone, or wanting things. If you truly feel alone though, or if you really are struggling to make ends meet, trust me – You have my utmost respect and empathy.)

But when you count the things you do have, fundamental ‘entitlements’ as human beings, and even the privileges, as basic as they may be, maybe you’d stop being as unhappy with your life. Maybe you’d start living in thanksgiving, gratitude. Maybe you’d start figuring out how vast life is, and how much life has to offer. Maybe you’d even find life itself, as Life and Love continues to pursue you and seek you out.

Sometimes it’s just hard to be thankful because you’ve forgotten how to. It has to be a habit, build it up. Don’t you want that joy of contentment to fill you up in all the crevices of your heart and overflow, instead of your constant never ending list of wants?

Start giving thanks today. Put away your phones, social media and all its facades. Count your blessings (even if you can only remember that one time today where you sneezed and someone said “bless you”).

 

 

I know my greatest thanksgiving will always rise to Jesus –

Thank you Jesus for dying on the cross for me, for the person reading this post. Thank you for facing death head on, for breaking the powers of hell that I may be free, free from the hurts and sins that once haunted me. Thank you for being my greatest source of refuge, my comfort, my strength.

You are good, You are faithful, You are love. And Your love endures forever.

 

I have more than anything I could ever ask for, more than anything I could and will ever need, because I have Jesus.

Jesus loves you. Beyond your wildest comprehension of any expense of love. He loved you before you knew how to say your own name, before you even knew his.

Jesus loves you. You are loved beyond measure. You will never walk alone.

New Beginnings (cheers!)

So.

 

I’ve decided to start a wordpress, simply to begin a platform to recollect life events and flood pages with my travel pictures and stories (because who uses Vsco explore anymore? Sadly, the answer to that is – barely anyone).

Right now I’m still in the process of refining and editing the 2,000 some photos taken from my Europe trip, but i promise that I’ll try to upload them in a jiffy. And “in a jiffy” highly likely means, when I’m done with all of Jamie Oliver’s FoodTube videos.

Speaking of which, I would very much like to begin cooking again (is that a silently deafening cheer I hear from my pool of friends aye?) So this site would very much also be for me to upload recipes that I’ve been in inspired by, accompanied by successes and failures in recreating those delicious, mouth watering videos I’ve been watching.

 

Stay tuned, empty wordpress universe.

May some wandering eyes catch this post soon enough.